Old Ares Had a Farm

Summary
To protext Ares from a gang of revenge-seeking warlords, Xena brings him to her childhood home and disguises him as a farmer.

At a local tavern, Xena approaches a table of cutthroats and puts the pinch on Allus, who admits that warlords from many regions are uniting under Gasgar to kill Ares now that they've learned he is mortal. When Xena and Gabrielle catch up with Ares, he is being challenged by Siki, a young warrior wannabe who quickly retreats when they arrive. Xena tells Ares he's in danger and offers to help him assume a new identity as a farmer. At first appalled by the notion, Ares finally admits he's tired of fighting every ambitious warrior who comes along. Xena and Gabrielle escort him to the farmhouse where Xena was raised, promising to stay until he is settled. As she surveys her beloved but rundown childhood home, Xena recalls wonderful memories. Ares, on the other hand, is aghast at the dilapidated condition of the farmhouse and resists when Xena and Gabrielle try to enlist him in the cleanup.

Back at the tavern, Gasgar decides to dispatch his army when young Siki reveals that he followed Ares and two women to the Lacoon Valley. Meanwhile, Xena, Gabrielle and Ares get word from a concerned neighbor named Greba that Gasgar's army is headed their way. Xena immediately sets off to intercept him. When Xena enters Gasgar's tent, she claims she has come to present him with Ares' head on a platter. Gasgar insists he doesn't need her help, but becomes interested when Xena tells him she knows where Ares is. That night, a very leaky roof forces Xena, Ares and Gabrielle to share the same bed. The next morning, Ares is awakened by the sounds of Xena searching for her missing breastplate, one of several objects that have mysteriously disappeared since their arrival at the farm. The trio soon learn that the "thief" is a spirited little dog, Horace, who takes an immediate liking to Ares. Ares, in turn, begins flirting with the attractive young widow Greba and even endures some backbreaking work to try to impress her. But his ego soon suffers a stunning blow when Greba rejects his advances, confessing that she views him as a much older man.

Just as Ares is about to flee the farm, Gabrielle shows up with a wagon full of supplies and animals. When Xena sends Ares outside to kill a chicken for dinner, she spots Gasgar's army in the distance. Rushing into the farmyard carrying a farmer's hat and clothes, she explains that she purposely lured Gasgar's army to the farm so they could be fooled by Ares' farmer disguise and diverted away from him permanently.

When Gasgar's lieutenant Demetrius arrives at the farmhouse, Gabrielle answers the door dressed as a country wench and flirts shamelessly with him until Ares reprimands her. When a defiant Ares, disguised in a farmer's costume, refuses to answer Demetrius' questions, Demetrius kicks him in the gut and even begins to suspect that this farmer may be Ares. But Xena arrives just in time to insist that Ares is a much younger man. Demetrius demands that Xena put the pinch on Farmer Ares until he talks. Finally, according to his pre-arranged plan with Xena, Farmer Ares tells Demetrius that Ares was at the farm, but is now headed for the Harada pass. Satisfied, both Xena and Demetrius leave. Xena returns quickly and reports that Gasgar's army is leaving the valley. Later that day, a traveling salesman, Dempar shows up to claim his dog. Having grown very fond of Horace, Ares is crushed when he's taken away.

In an unexpected turn of events, Gasgar comes upon Dempar's roadside stand where he notices the dog Horace playing with Xena's chakram. After questioning Dempar about where the dog found the weapon, Gasgar and his army make a beeline back to Xena's farm. By this time, Xena and her companions realize that Horace must have taken the chakram and soon Greba rides up to inform them that Gasgar is on his way. Devising another plan, Xena sets out to intercept Gasgar once more. When the warlord demands to know why she's protecting Ares, an angry Gabrielle rushes in and, pretending to be wildly jealous that Xena has fallen in love with Ares, informs Gasgar that Ares is headed to catch a ship to Anatolia. As the two women begin a "vicious" staged fight, the unsuspecting Gaspar heads off in search of Ares, once again in the wrong direction. Later that day, Xena and Gabrielle return to the farm with Horace, whose owner has been convinced that the dog will be better off there, and they bid farewell to Ares.

Disclaimer
"Ares went to the dogs in the making of this motion picture "

Background Information

 * Philip Tallman was nominated for the 2002 Golden Reel Award for "Best Sound Editing in Television - Music, Episodic Live Action" for this episode.
 * Dai Henwood, who played "Battling Siki", is the son of Ray Henwood, who played Sisyphus in the first season episode "Death in Chains".
 * Ares tells Greba that he'd like to discuss "raising root vegetables" with her. In New Zealand, "rooting" is a euphemism for sex.
 * This episode marks the final appearance of Norman Forsey, who plays Jake/Horace's owner in this episode. He previously played King Lias in "Warrior... Princess" and "Warrior... Princess... Tramp".
 * The scene where Gabrielle rolls over and hits Ares in a very vulnerable spot had to be film many, many times, because Renee was trying too hard not to hurt Kevin. By the end Kevin was actively encouraging her to hit him.

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