A Day in the Life/Transcript

The complete transcript for the episode "A Day in the Life".

Waking Up (Scene 1)
Soldier: "No, she’s yours!"

Xena: "Want some breakfast? Come on, let me get to you. Oh, you're so good! Gabrielle!"

Gabrielle: "Xena!"

Xena: "What? Where do you think you're going?"

Gabrielle: "Xena, this was our only frying pan. Why do you do that? You do have weapons, don't you?"

Xena: "I like to be creative in a fight. It gets my juices going."

Gabrielle: "Can we cook with your juices?"

Largo: "Could you guys talk about this some other time?"

Xena: "Oh, yeah. I've cut off the..."

Largo: "Flow of blood to my brain. I've heard all about it. What do you want to know?"

Xena: "Who sent you?"

Largo: "Zagreas. He wants to loot a little village not far from here that had a big harvest this year."

Xena: "What village?"

Largo: "Piedmon. Zagreas heard you were in the area, so he sent us here to stop you before you could get in his way."

Xena: "Looks like we're going to Piedmon. All right, Gabrielle."

Largo: "Hey! Hey! Ow!"

Xena: "Oh, sorry. I... Guess I haven’t totally woken up yet."

Finding Your Way (Scene 2)
Gabrielle: "Which way?"

Xena: "I don't know. I've never been here before."

Gabrielle: "Xena, you know, you should have asked for instructions when you had the pinch on that guy."

Xena: "Well, you were there. Why didn't you ask him?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, like you would want me to butt in on one of your pinch interrogations."

Xena: "Why not? You ask good questions."

Gabrielle: "Really? Thank you."

Howar: "Yo! Yo!"

Gabrielle: "Xena, here comes a guy. Let's try this. You put the pinch on him and I'll ask the questions.”

Xena: "Hey!"

Gabrielle: "Ow!"

Xena: "Why don't we just try asking him the regular way first, huh?"

Gabrielle: "All right. Excuse me, sir, do..."

Howar: "You Xena?"

Xena: "Yes. Hmm?"

Howar: "Oh, my village is in great danger. Can you help us?"

Xena: "Zagreas after your village, too?"

Howar: "Not Zagreas. A giant wanted us to pay him protection money. But we didn't have enough. So he says he's going to come this afternoon and flatten our town."

Gabrielle: "Two villages in dire straits. I hate when that happens. Well, I guess we'll just have to methodically examine the needs of each village and then determine where we can do the most good. Yeah?"

Making a Decision (Scene 3)
Gabrielle: "All right. Now I've made a list of the pros and cons. Which village is in greater danger, which has the most to lose, giant versus warlord, and so on. Now I'm sure, with careful consideration of the facts, we can come to the right decision."

Xena: "Heads. We take on the giant."

Gabrielle: "Of course, that's another way."

Howar: “Laurel, it's this way.”

Gabrielle: "Hey, Howar. Does your village have a store that sells frying pans?"

Xena: "You know, I really don't want to hear about this all day."

Gabrielle: "Look, I'll drop it. I suppose raw meat can't kill you."

Xena: "Fine."

Traveling (Scene 1)
Gabrielle: "Are you male or female?"

Xena: "Male."

Gabrielle: "Living, dead?"

Xena: "Oh, I am very dead."

Gabrielle: "Were you killed by a certain warrior princess?"

Xena: "Yes."

Gabrielle: "Well, that narrows it down. A little. Hmm. Atyminius?"

Xena: "No."

Gabrielle: "Hmm. Ah! I almost got you that time."

Xena: "No, you didn't."

Gabrielle: "What are you talking about? I was this close."

Xena: "You were this close 'cause I let you get this close."

Gabrielle: "We'll see."

Xena: "Oh. Howar. How big is this giant?"

Howar: "I don't know. He's never been to our village before. And he just sends threats through a messenger."

Gabrielle: "Well, how do you know there really is a giant?"

Howar: "We've heard he's already destroyed a village in the next valley."

Xena: "So he's never been to your village. We may be able to use that to buy some time. I had no breakfast, all right? Howar, is there a creek nearby?"

Howar: "Uh, yeah. Just over that ridge."

Xena: "Great, let's take a detour and eat."

Gabrielle: "Fish sounds good. You know, a frying pan would come in handy right about now."

Xena: "Get off it, Gabrielle."

Scene 2
Gabrielle: "Are you a warlord or royalty?"

Xena: "Warlord."

Howar: "Doesn't she need a fishing pole?"

Gabrielle: "It's much too conventional for her. Are you Dagnine?"

Xena: "Nope. What do you like, Howar? Trout or perch?"

Howar: "Trout."

Gabrielle: "I'll take salmon."

Xena: "Wrong kind of creek, wrong season, wrong..."

Gabrielle: "Fine. How about eel?"

Xena: "Eel."

Gabrielle: "Hmm."

Xena: "See that? Horse tracks. Lots of 'em. Looks like Zagreas' army forded the creek here recently. It means it won't be long before they strike at Piedmon."

Gabrielle: "What a shame that little village has to be looted."

Xena: "I'm not going to let that happen, Gabrielle."

Gabrielle: "Xena, you can't stop it. You can't be in two places at once."

Xena: "I don't have to be. One eel coming up! There you go!"

Gabrielle: "Ah, that's funny. Yeah."

Howar: "Let me ask you something, Gabrielle. Does Xena ever think about settling down and getting married?"

Gabrielle: "No, she likes what I do... I think she likes what she's doing. No, I don't think settling down is for Xena."

Howar: "Hmm. Maybe she just hasn't met the right guy."

Gabrielle: "You know, anything's possible... Howar, I saw some wood lying around. Would you mind collecting it? We're gonna have to cook these somehow. That's a good shot. Another one's fallen for you."

Xena: "Again?"

Gabrielle: "Yeah."

Xena: "Why does this always happen?"

Gabrielle: "It's the blue eyes, the leather. Some guys just love leather."

Xena: "I think a wardrobe change is in order."

Gabrielle: "You could wear chain mail."

Xena: "Yeah, but I think that would just attract a kinkier group."

Gabrielle: "You're probably right."

Xena: "On the other hand, I could just stop bathing and wear a smelly wolfskin. That'd turn them off."

Gabrielle: "That's true. Of course, you'd also be traveling alone."

Howar: "Flowers for a flower."

Xena: "Oh. Thanks, Howar."

Howar: "Did you see that?"

Gabrielle: "What?"

Howar: "She took the flowers. She likes me."

Gabrielle: "Oh, boy."

Scene 3
Xena: "Gabrielle. What do you think you're doing? Oh! That's just great. It's gonna smell like fish for days."

Gabrielle: "Well, what was I supposed to use, huh? You threw our only good cutting knife at a warlord last week. I bet it's still sticking out of his thigh."

Howar: "I'll wash it off for you, Xena."

Xena: "That's all right, Howar. How far are we away from your village?"

Howar: "It's about two more hours, due east."

Xena: "Good. We can find it on our own. There is something you can do for me."

Howar: "Anything."

Xena: "I want you to deliver a message to Zagreas. Tell him not to worry about anything. I won't get in his way if he doesn't get in mine."

Howar: "That's it?"

Xena: "Yep."

Gabrielle: "I don't understand it, either, but I've learned that she works in mysterious ways."

A Call From Nature (Scene 4)
Gabrielle: "The Bacchae gripped their victims like a python! Python? No. The Bacchae fell on their victims like hungry wolves. That'll work. You used my scrolls?"

Xena: "Now take it easy. There were no good leaves in the bush. I used a piece that didn't have much writing on it."

Gabrielle: "You..."

Xena: "The giant's coming."

Giving Directions (Scene 5)
Gabrielle: "I hope I spelled Laurel right."

Xena: "Who cares? Giants can't spell."

Gabrielle: "You know, how do you know he's coming this way? I haven't heard him in a few minutes. Maybe... Maybe, he's gone another route."

Xena: "There's a giants' burial ground close by. I'm figuring he might want to stop there on the way. Let's go. Gabrielle!"

Gabrielle: "What?"

Xena: "Come on."

Gabrielle: "Ow!"

Scene 1
Gabrielle: "Light or dark hair?"

Xena: "Dark."

Gabrielle: "Fat?"

Xena: "No. Buff."

Gabrielle: "Hmm. Toxeus."

Xena: "No. That's interesting."

Gabrielle: "What? There's actually something interesting about this place, Xena? Hello? This is like every other village we've ever been in. You know, for once you'd think somebody would try something new. Line the road with birch trees, or..."

Xena: "No. I mean, there's no one here."

Minya: "Quit wiggling. Stop wiggling, you rotten goat!"

Gabrielle: "Hello?"

Minya: "You're... You're Xena, aren't you?"

Xena: "Yes."

Minya: "All right! I finally get to meet the Warrior Princess herself! I've heard about all your adventures. How you unchained death and liberated Prometheus and nailed that Callisto witch."

Xena: "Listen. I'm just here to..."

Minya: "You are the main thing. The real deal, you know, the number one attraction. And, you must be... Mariel. What's it like to travel with the hottest warrior in the butt-kicking biz, huh? Does she sleep in the..."

Gabrielle: "Well..."

Xena: "Hey! Hey, lady, we're on a mission."

Minya: "And, we stayed behind to help. All the other villagers, they've run into the hills except for me and my boyfriend, Howar. You probably met him already. Where is he?"

Xena: "Ah, he's doing me a favor. He told me about your problem."

Minya: "Oh, I want you to know I'm ready to do anything you need. I'm as strong as a bull! And I can read! That's a pretty rare combination in these parts. So, what's you plan, your strategy? How are you gonna whip this overgrown fleabag?"

Xena: "I don't know yet. I'm gonna have to think this one out."

Minya: "Fine. What can I do to help you concentrate?"

Scene 2
Gabrielle: "Mezentius?"

Xena: "No."

Gabrielle: "Who could it be? Don't tell me."

Minya: "Is it too hot?"

Xena: "No, it's just right."

Minya: "I'll go get some more."

Gabrielle: "What are we going to do about the giant?"

Xena: "I don't know. It hasn't hit me yet."

Gabrielle: "You know, we could get Minya to round up the mirrors."

Xena: "Mirrors?"

Gabrielle: "Yeah, in case he's wearing a helmet. You know, like Goliath. You can reflect the sun onto him. He'll take off the helmet and expose the giant soft spot.”

Xena: "I've already done that."

Gabrielle: "Yeah, I know. And it worked. You know, you don't have to be original every time you fight, Xena."

Xena: "I suppose not. Here, now, I'll do your back. That's enough, Minya."

Gabrielle: "She's in that, 'I'll do anything for the Warrior Princess' haze."

Xena: "Yeah. Well, she's a good kid, I suppose."

Gabrielle: "You know, her boyfriend is in love with you. Mmm, I guess I'll have to straighten that out, too."

Xena: "Why you?"

Gabrielle: "Because I do the sensitive chats."

Xena: "Well, that doesn't mean that I can't."

Gabrielle: "Why do you have to be so competitive about everything?"

Xena: "Oh, and you're not?"

Gabrielle: "I'm less competitive than you are."

Xena: "That's enough, Minya! Thank you."

Minya: "Sure. Have you got your plan yet?"

Xena: "Well..."

Gabrielle: "We want you to collect all the mirrors in town."

Minya: "Is that what you want, Xena? Are mirrors part of the plan?"

Xena: "Yeah. For now. What?"

Gabrielle: "You said, 'For now.'"

Xena: "So?"

Gabrielle: "You're not gonna do that again, are you?"

Xena: "What?"

Gabrielle: "You know what. We set up a perfectly good plan and then you change it at the last minute."

Xena: "Well, you've got be flexible. It comes with the job. Are you sitting on the soap?"

Gabrielle: "I was wondering what that was."

Scene 3
Minya: "Hello, Howar! Xena's here! Isn't she incredible? So strong, so confident, so brave, so..."

Howar: "Beautiful."

Minya: "Well, she's all right if you like that type."

Howar: "Xena. I delivered your message to Zagreas. He..."

Xena: "Wanted to know what I was up to and decided to hold off his attack on Piedmon till he could figure it out. And he wouldn't agree to my offer."

Howar: "That's right. How did you know that?"

Xena: "I used to ride with Zagreas. He's got nerves of mush and he wouldn't trust his own mother. Howar, I want you to go back to him and tell him that I don't mind if he sacks Piedmon, but he'd better not come anywhere close to Laurel, got it?"

Howar: "All right. Anything you want, Xena. Well, I'm going now, Xena."

Minya: "Bye, Howar."

Xena: "Hey! Howar, say, 'Goodbye, Minya.'"

Howar: "Bye."

Minya: "He's running. I've never seen him run for anything but a meal."

Xena: "When Howar gets back, one of us has got to talk to him."

Gabrielle: "Hmm. Minya. Is this your frying pan?"

Minya: "Yeah."

Gabrielle: "Do you want to trade?"

Practice Makes Perfect (Scene 4)
Gabrielle: "Yeah! Sinteres."

Xena: "No."

Gabrielle: "Was it someone you fought before I met you?"

Xena: "No."

Gabrielle: "Fine. Who was it?"

Xena: "Theodorus."

Gabrielle: "Theodorus? Xena, Callisto killed Theodorus!"

Xena: "Yeah, but she was in my body at the time."

Gabrielle: "You..."

Scene 5
Minya: "Ow!"

Xena: "Hey!"

Minya: "The rotten thing came back and bit me!"

Xena: "You gotta be careful with it. What are you doing with my whip anyway?"

Minya: "It isn't your whip anymore. I traded my best frying pan for it. Fair and square."

Gabrielle: "Look, we have to cook our food. I'm still waiting for the fish I had for lunch to stop trying to swim upstream."

Xena: "Now this isn't about cooking, is it?"

Gabrielle: "I don't know what you're talking about."

Xena: "I messed with your scrolls, so you traded my whip for a frying pan. I want it back."

Minya: "No. It belongs to me. You don't get that concept real well, do you? The whip is mine. Frying pan's yours. Howar is mine. She's yours."

Xena: "I'm going to go check on the giant. Move all the mirrors up the north end of town."

Minya: "You're not the only tough broad around here, you know. You can run, but you can't hide. Warrior Princess, my..."

Scene 6
Howar: "Yo, Xena."

Xena: "Yo, Howar."

Howar: "Zagreas..."

Xena: "Is moving in this direction?"

Howar: "That's right. How do you know that? You're a genius."

Xena: "No, I just know that scum always floats to the surface. He wants to see what I'm doing in Laurel. He figures there must be some profit in it."

Howar: "Uh-huh. But why do you want him to come this way? Then we'll have to fight the giant and Zagreas' army."

Xena: "Not if we time things right."

Howar: "What is it? Wow. And I thought I had big feet."

Xena: "Three paces. It's got to be Gareth."

Howar: "Who's Gareth?"

Xena: "Only the biggest, meanest giant who ever walked the earth."

Scene 1
Minya: "'And thanks to Xena, the Bacchae returned into the beautiful women they were..."

Gabrielle: "Before."

Minya: "'...before.'"

Gabrielle: "Yeah. What do you think?"

Minya: "It's pretty good. Do you have one where Xena steals somebody's boyfriend or do you always leave that part out?"

Gabrielle: "Minya, look, Xena would never take anybody's boyfriend. She has more integrity in that way than anyone I've ever met. She will send the right message. I guarantee it."

Howar: "Minya. I want to be real honest with you. I think I'm in love with Xena."

Minya: "She sent him a message, all right."

Gabrielle: "Xena, we need to talk about Howar."

Xena: "The giant is Gareth. We don't have much time. The mirror plan won't work."

Howar: "Gareth is..."

Minya: "The biggest, meanest giant ever to walk the earth. Xena's old buddy, Goliath, wanted to get revenge on Gareth for killing his family, but then Xena and Goliath ended up on opposite sides during the Israelite-Philistine feud. And then Goliath got wasted. I read it in one of her scrolls."

Gabrielle: "Does Gareth wear a helmet?"

Xena: "With a heavy nose guard."

Gabrielle: "Well, why won't the mirrors..."

Xena: "No. There are heavy rain clouds moving in from the west. There won't be any sunshine to reflect."

Gabrielle: "What're we gonna do?"

Xena: "Zeus killed giants with lightning bolts."

Gabrielle: "How are we going to get lightning bolts?"

Trial and Error (Scene 2)
Xena: "There."

Gabrielle: "What is it?"

Xena: "I don't have a name for it, but if I can get it up into the air, I think we can use it to nail Gareth."

Gabrielle: "Get it up in the air?"

Xena: "Yeah, you know. Make it fly. Let the wind carry it."

Minya: "Looks like your precious has got a screw loose."

Gabrielle: "Xena, look, I hate to doubt you after all we've been through, but I think this is a long shot."

Xena: "Well, what's your plan?"

Gabrielle: "Hey, don't get defensive. I just don't share your vision here."

Xena: "There were plenty of other times when you didn't share my vision."

Gabrielle: "Yes. And you were right those other times. But, eventually you're going to be wrong. Call it the law of averages. I just as soon it not be when the biggest giant to ever walk the earth is headed our way."

Xena: "Maybe if I ran with it. All right. Come on."

Gabrielle: "Have faith, Gabrielle. Have faith."

Scene 3
Gabrielle: "Yes! We did it, we did it, we did it! Yeah! When Gareth gets here, we're gonna have a piece of parchment floating in the air with a belt-buckle hanging on it. Xena, what is this supposed to do?"

Xena: "Bring the power of Zeus to earth. Here, you take over. Keep it up there just as long as you can. I'm going to go talk some sense into Howar."

Gabrielle: "Are you sure you don't want me to..."

Xena: "Gabrielle, I think I can handle it. Keep that string taut."

Gabrielle: "Uh-huh. Xena! Hey! Whoa! Come here, come here."

Scene 4
Howar: "Xena. I was just brushing Argo down for you. I think she likes me."

Xena: "Howar, Minya's a good woman. She loves you. You're lucky to have her. And you've got a snowball's chance in Tartarus with me. You got that?"

Howar: "I think you're denying your feelings, Xena. But I can be patient. You'll come around."

Xena: "Gabrielle."

Scene 5
Xena: "Gabrielle?"

Gabrielle: "You know, I would have had you if I hadn't done the war cry."

Xena: "Yeah, sure you would. It's your turn to talk to Howar."

Gabrielle: "Right. Your flying parchment's stuck in a tree."

Scene 6
Howar: "My love for Xena will last forever."

Minya: "Yes, Xena."

Gabrielle: "What did you say to her?"

Xena: "I just gave her some advice about handling men. I don't know if she really listened. She doesn't trust me, you know."

Gabrielle: "Hmm."

Xena: "How'd it go with Howar?"

Gabrielle: "Not well. Maybe you could kick him around a little bit."

Xena: "Yeah. He might like it."

Gabrielle: "That's true."

Xena: "You know, if this works, I'll repay an old friend a debt."

Gabrielle: "Goliath?"

Xena: "Yeah. I've always regretted that he had to die. But at least now I get to even the score for him. The giant that killed his family is headed toward the wrong village."

Gabrielle: "The dead can hear our thoughts. I'm sure that he knows you care about him."

Xena: "Yeah."

Scene 7
Howar: "What was that?"

Xena: "It sounds like Zagreas just ran into a certain giant. That Gareth never could resist stomping an army."

Howar: "Brilliant. That was your plan all along. To bring Zagreas into Gareth’s path. Do all your plans work this well?"

Xena: "Let's hope so. 'Cause when he's done with Zagreas, he's coming for us."

Waiting for Gareth (Scene 1)
Gabrielle: "What's taking him so long?"

Xena: "Cut him some slack. He's just stomped an entire army. He's probably resting."

Gabrielle: "Where's Minya?"

Xena: "I hope she's taking some advice I gave her."

Zagreas: "Xena!"

Xena: "Hi, Zagreas. Having a bad day?"

Zagreas: "You set me up, Xena! That giant destroyed my entire army! It's not fair! I'm just trying to make a living. All us warlords are! A little looting, a little mayhem. You used to do it, Xena! But you changed. And you've ruined everything for all of us! With your chakram, your whip, your sword, your fists, and your little tricks! You make fools of us all! I'm here to end it, Xena. End it all! Yeah! One of us ain't leaving this place alive, Xena! So come on! Let's have at it!"

Minya: "Hey, tough guy. You want to talk or fight?"

Zagreas: "Another one!"

Howar: "Whoa! Minya, that was amazing. I had no idea you..."

Minya: "Look so good in leather?"

Xena: "He's headed toward the giants' burial ground first. I’ve gotta go out to meet him. If this doesn't work, or if the bad weather doesn't hold, I want you to get Howar and Minya to safety. Don't let them die in a lost cause."

Gabrielle: "Xena. I'm sorry I traded your whip for a frying pan."

Xena: "I shouldn't have used your scrolls. We're even. It's time."

Scene 2
Xena: "Gareth. We meet again."

Gareth: "I'm going to squash you like an insect."

Xena: "In your dreams."

Gareth: "I'm going to get you, Xena."

Xena: "Come on, handsome. Come on, Gareth, you couldn't catch a cold!"

Scene 3
Xena: "You should have more respect for the dead."

Gareth: "Can't get away from me!"

Xena: "You'll be joining them sooner than you think. Goliath says, 'Hello.'"

Going to Bed (Scene 4)
Xena: "That bunch up there looks like a big dipper."

Gabrielle: "A dipper?"

Xena: "Yeah, you know, like one of those cups that you draw water out of a bucket."

Gabrielle: "It looks like a bear to me."

Xena: "A bear?"

Gabrielle: "Yeah."

Xena: "Where do you get a bear?"

Gabrielle: "Look, there's the body. I can see the little ears. Tail."

Xena: "Oh."

Gabrielle: "Xena. Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you all right?"

Xena: "I'll live."

Gabrielle: "I'm sorry. I never thought I'd really hit you, I..."

Xena: "It's all right. Let's just try and go to sleep, now, okay? Hey."

Gabrielle: "Did you just let me hit you?"

Xena: "No. You nailed me fair and square."

Gabrielle: "You did, didn't you? You let me hit you because you feel sorry for me."

Xena: "Go to sleep."

Gabrielle: "All right. I know you let me hit you."