...And Fancy Free/Transcript

The complete transcript for the episode "...And Fancy Free".

Scene 1
Woman: "Oh!"

Asterius: "And let’s hear it for our final couple, ladies and gentlemen!"

Man: "All right! Nice job!"

Woman: "Wonderful!"

Asterius: "On this day, as we’ve done for generations, we dance to pay tribute to the Muses-"

Oena: "Hmph!"

Asterius: "to thank them for their everlasting gift of divine inspiration. You know, as Magistrate of Rhumba, I’m often asked-

Oena: "She's over there."

Asterius: "'Asterius, what’s so great about your little town?’ And I always say, We may not be Athens, but we are the dance capital of Greece! And now, without further ado,"

Oena: "Hmph!"

Asterius: "it’s time to announce the winners of this season’s Panathenia! And the winners are-

Althea: "Oh, please."

Asterius: "couple number two!"

Althea: "Yea! Couple number two!"

Oena: "Why don’t you watch where you’re going?!"

Althea: "But I didn’t-"

Girl: "She’s all wet!"

Oena: "You think you’re gonna be a dancer some day, huh?"

Althea: "Why not?"

Oena: "You need a partner to dance! Who’d wanna dance with a loser?

Girl: "What a freak!"

Oena: "Look! I think she’s gonna cry!"

Oena and Girls: "Crybaby! Crybaby!  Crybaby!  Crybaby!  Crybaby! Crybaby!"

Scene 2
Man: "Watch it, Althea!"

Althea: "Whoops!"

Hercules: "Whoa."

Althea: "Ow! Ooh! I’m sorry."

Hercules: "No, it’s my fault. I take up way too much space."

Althea: "Huh?"

Hercules: "Joke. It was a joke."

Althea: "Oh, yeah! Uh, anyway, thanks for being so understanding."

Hercules: "Uh, could you tell me which road leads to Croton?"

Althea: "That one."

Hercules: "Great. I- well, thanks."

Scene 3
Asterius: "That means no jumping, no leaping, no lifting your partner off the ground. Remember, children- the Muses grant us inspiration- but they can also take it away! We are simple mortals... and must not aspire towards their exalted realm. Break the rules, and you will be disqualified! Any questions? Then let’s make this the best Panathenia ever!"

Man: "Hey."

Oena: "Well, well, well. Some people never learn. You’ve got two left feet, ducky. You don’t have a chance."

Althea: "What did I ever do to you?"

Oena: "Well, for starters, you were born."

Girl: "Nice move."

Oena: "Stop wasting your time. You need a partner to enter the contest."

Man: "Yeah, right!"

Oena: "You see? No one’s crazy enough to dance with you."

Hercules: "I’ll be your partner."

Scene 1
Althea: "You?"

Hercules: "Thought you might need a hand."

Oena: "She’s gonna need a lot more than that. You must be as desperate as she is."

Asterius: "Who’s holding up the line?"

Oena: "They are, Uncle."

Asterius: "This line is for contestants only."

Hercules: "We are contestants. Right?"

Asterius: "And who are you?"

Hercules: "I’m Hercules."

Asterius: "Well, why didn’t you say so? As Magistrate of our fair town, I humbly welcome you to Rhumba."

Oena: "Uncle!"

Asterius: "I knew you had many talents, Hercules. I didn’t realize dancing was one of them."

Hercules: "Neither did I. Actually, I’ve, uh, never done this before."

Asterius: "I’m sure you’ll do just fine. I look forward to seeing some of your... moves."

Hercules: "Me too. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have to get back in line. We have a contest to enter."

Oena: "Uncle, do something!"

Asterius: "Don’t worry. They don’t stand a chance."

Scene 2
Althea: "I can’t thank you enough!"

Hercules: "Well, don’t thank me yet, Althea."

Althea: "I have some moves of my own, some steps I’ve been working on. Don’t worry. We’ll practice. Boy, am I glad I bumped into you."

Hercules: "Oh, that reminds me. You, uh, you dropped this."

Althea: "Thank you. My mother gave this to me before she died. I would never have forgiven myself if I’d lost it. She said it would bring me luck. I guess she was right."

Hercules: "W-W-Where we going?"

Althea: "Well, you can’t practice on an empty stomach. And anyway, you gotta meet my father. Boy, is he gonna be impressed when I bring home the son of Zeus!"

Scene 3
Elis: "Hercules, huh? Thought you’d be wearin' a cape or something."

Althea: "Daddy."

Hercules: "I tried, but it- just didn’t fly."

Elis: "And what brings you around these parts?"

Hercules: "Oh, I was on my way to meet a friend"

Althea: "And he- decided to stay a few days. He hasn’t got anywhere to sleep. I-I-I was thinking- Well, I was wondering- maybe he could stay... here?"

Elis: "You any good with your hands?"

Hercules: "Some people think so."

Althea: "Of course he is!"

Elis: "I’m building a cistern out back. Got some logs need to be moved."

Hercules: "I’d be glad to help."

Elis: "All right, then. You can stay in the barn."

Althea: "Yes!"

Hercules: "Thank you."

Scene 4
Althea: "It’s lemonade. I made it myself. Sorry about my father. He never really got over Mother’s death."

Hercules: "Why didn’t you tell him the truth?"

Althea: "If he knew we had entered the contest, he probably wouldn’t let me leave the house. He thinks dancing’s a waste of time."

Hercules: "I wouldn’t want to go against your father’s wishes. It wouldn’t be right."

Althea: "Hercules, please? It’s... been a dream of mine, ever since I was a little girl, to dance at this contest."

Hercules: "Althea, it’s just-"

Althea: "You saw the others, how they treat me. This is the only way I can show them I’m as good as they are. If I give up now, they’ll never let me live it down. Please, Hercules! Please? Please!"

Hercules: "All right, all right. Althea? You have to tell your father that you entered the contest."

Althea: "I will."

Hercules: "Althea! Before the contest?"

Althea: "Okay."

Scene 5
Althea: "Okay, here’s the deal. I’ll do my routine once so you can see it, and then we’ll do it step by step. You stay here. I need some room. All right."

Hercules: "Are you all right?"

Althea: "Shh, shh, shh, shh! Wait till I’m finished! What do you think?"

Hercules: "I think we’re gonna need some help."

Althea: "Right."

Scene 6
Oena: "Aah! Aah!"

Musician: "Ow! My eye!"

Partner #1: "I’ll never dance again!"

Asterius: "What’s the matter, cupcake?"

Oena: "Oh, Uncle!"

Asterius: "There, there. What’s troubling you, my Dear?"

Oena: "I’m never gonna win with these stiffs you keep sending me."

Asterius: "Now, now. Of course you’ll win. You’ve won three years running."

Oena: "But you let Hercules... enter the contest!"

Asterius: "Hercules has never danced a day in his life."

Oena: "But this is the dance capital of Greece! There’s a dance school on every corner!"

Asterius: "Don’t worry. I’ve taken care of everything."

Scene 7
Hercules: "I'm looking for a dance teacher. Do you have any room in your classes?"

Scene 8
Althea: "Please, miss, we’re looking for a dance teacher."

Scene 9
Althea: "The contest is in five days! We don’t stand a chance."

Hercules: "A lot can happen in five days. Trust me. Things will work out."

Althea: "Where’s that music coming from? Hercules?"

Scene 10
Widow Twanky: "Oh, hello. Welcome back. Oh, you clever bird. Like snakes to a charm, my darlings. And I am always so charming."

Hercules: "Do I know you?"

Widow Twanky: "Well, where I come from, across the seas of time. I’m known as the Mistress of Music. The Queen of Crescendo. But you can call me... your new dance teacher."

Scene 1
Althea: "You’re a dance teacher?"

Widow Twanky: "The Widow Twanky extraordinaire. Known in all the ports of the China Sea, as Mad Alice Cudlip, inventress of the Twanky Twiddle, the most daring dance move ever performed, and quite illegal in these parts. But if you’re very, very good I might teach it to you."

Hercules: "How did you know we were looking for a teacher?"

Widow Twanky: "How does the porcu know to pine? Why does the beaver give a dam? What is the difference between a duck? Answer all these questions, and there’s nothing left to do.

You seem a bit confused A trifle unbelieving The truth be told I may seem old But looks can be deceiving

Don’t be afraid to take a chance That’s my philosophy Just stick with me and you will see I’ll teach you how to dance

You’ll reign supreme A dancing Queen And you’ll look cool You dancing fool

Honey, if you try I know you’ll reach the sky Just learn to spread your wings And fly

And so, you see just stick with me And you too can be so fancy-free

Darlings, if you try I know you’ll reach the sky Just learn to spread your wings And fly"

Hercules: "Wow."

Widow Twanky: "So, what do you say?"

Hercules and Althea: "Sure."

Widow Twanky: "Oh, good!"

Scene 2
Widow Twanky: "In order to dance, one must be able to move freely. Now then, lesson number one: rhythm. Althea, what do we know, about rhythm?"

Althea: "Beats me."

Widow Twanky: "Precisely! You clever little girl! Rhythm is all about beats."

Hercules: "Good guess."

Widow Twanky: "There. Do you feel the beat?"

Althea: "Uh... yeah."

Widow Twanky: "Yes, I know. You see, all life moves to the rhythm of our most glorious instrument- the human heart."

Scene 3
Widow Twanky: "Rhythm is everywhere. All you have to do... is listen."

Althea: "I can’t hear anything."

Hercules: "Look. A man sawing wood."

Widow Twanky: "Yes. You see? And over there- that man banging away on his anvil. See?"

Hercules: "Mmm."

Widow Twanky: "You see, rhythm is life. And the rhythm of life is a powerful beat. Come on. Pick your feet up. Don’t be shy. That’s it. Come on. That’s it! Come on!"

Hercules: "I feel so stupid."

Scene 4
Elis: "Good night, sweetheart."

Althea: "Good night, Daddy."

Hercules: "Uh, good night sir."

Althea: "He misses Mother so much. I wish I could see him smile again. Just once."

Hercules: "How long has it been?"

Althea: "She died when I was four. I never really got a chance to know her. He- He says I’m as pretty as she was. Do you think I’m pretty?" Hercules: "Well, yes, I- I think you’re very pretty. I- I- I’ll get that."

Henchman: "The magistrate would like a word with you."

Hercules: "Hmm. Don’t worry. I’ll be back soon."

Scene 5
Asterius: "Hercules. Thank you for coming on such short notice. I must admit you’ve caught us a little bit off guard. You’re the first celebrity we’ve had here, and we’ve done nothing to honor your gracious visit."

Hercules: "Well, I appreciate the thought, but I’d rather you didn’t."

Asterius: "And modest too. You really are a... hero. Which is why I would like to invite you... to be our first celebrity judge... at the Panathenia. Of course, you’d have to withdraw as a contestant."

Hercules: "Well, thanks for the invitation, but I’ve already agreed to be Althea’s partner."

Asterius: "Ah, yes, that... girl. Between us adults, I’m a little concerned about her well-being."

Hercules: "Really?"

Asterius: "She’s been through so much- the death of her mother, never really fitting in with the other children. I’m afraid if you enter the contest and lose, she’ll be crushed."

Hercules: "We have no intention of losing."

Asterius: "I think you may be overestimating your chances."

Hercules: "If you really thought that, we wouldn’t be having this conversation."

Asterius: "I’m glad you’re here, Hercules, to comfort and protect that poor girl, but I do worry about what might happen to her after you’ve gone."

Hercules: "Believe me, if anything happens to Althea, I’ll be coming back. Have a good night."

Scene 6
Hercules: "Althea. What are you still doing up?"

Althea: "You changed your mind, didn’t you?"

Hercules: "Not a chance. We’re in this together. Nothing’s gonna change that."

Althea: "I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re the best thing thing that’s ever happened to me. I love you, Hercules."

Hercules: "This... isn’t right."

Althea: "I’m sorry. Who am I kidding? Stupid. Stupid."

Hercules: "Um... I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but what you’re feeling, it’s not love."

Althea: "I know what it means to love someone, Hercules. I’m not a little girl anymore."

Hercules: "No. No, you’re not. You are a, uh, beautiful young woman."

Althea: "When the contest is over, you won’t forget about me, will you?"

Hercules: "Now, how could I possibly ever forget you? You will always be... my first dance partner."

Scene 7
Hercules: "You’re awfully quiet this morning."

Althea: "I feel like such a fool. I’m so embarrassed."

Hercules: "Oh, don’t be. You said what was on your mind, and that took courage."

Althea: "What are we gonna do?"

Scene 1
Althea: "Hercules!"

Hercules: "Come on! Hold on tight! Don’t look down!"

Henchman: "Huh?"

Hercules: "I’ve got you. Come on. You ready for your next lesson?"

Althea: "What do you mean?"

Hercules: "Balance. I feel like a hamster."

Althea: "They tried to kill us."

Hercules: "Althea, look at me. Come on, look at me."

Althea: "I can’t do this! It’s not worth dying for!"

Hercules: "But it is worth fighting for. I will not let anything happen to you. Besides, you were great."

Scene 2
Widow Twanky: "Late. Late, late, late, late, late!"

Hercules: "Sorry, we’re late, but, we had to do a little practicing of our own."

Widow Twanky: "Oh, practicing? Is that what you call it these days? Mucking about, discovering appendages you never even knew you had. Ooh, you are a nasty, nasty little boy. Put your hand out now!"

Hercules: "Pardon me?"

Widow Twanky: "Don’t you 'pardon me' me, you! I shall give you 'pardon me.' I will 'pardon me' you into the middle of next week! Now, hold that hand out- right now, young man, or there shall be no lesson today. Oh. That’s quite a strong hand, really. Shapely forearm. Look at the size of those biceps! Oh, he's huge! Hold me."

Hercules: "Uh, shouldn’t we be getting on with the lesson?"

Widow Twanky: "Oh. Yes, right. Plenty of time for that later. Hey- Now then, watch. Now it’s your turn."

Althea: "I can’t do that."

Widow Twanky: "What do you mean? You haven’t even tried."

Hercules: "Go on."

Widow Twanky: "That’s it. Yes. Lift and breathe and stretch!"

Hercules: "Oh. Althea, you okay?"

Althea: "I told you I couldn’t do it."

Widow Twanky: "If you say that once more, I shall wash your mouth out with soap. Do you understand?"

Althea: "Yes."

Widow Twanky: "Good. Now... close your eyes... and feel the rhythm of the steps. That’s it. Let it flow through you. Off you go."

Althea: "I did it. I did it!"

Hercules: "All right!"

Widow Twanky: "She did it! I’m so happy."

Scene 3
Oena: "Yeah, right. You’re dreaming. What’s your name?"

Travoltus: "Travoltus."

Oena: "He’ll do."

Asterius: "Have him fitted for his costume."

Henchman: "Sir. Sir!"

Oena: "What’s he still doing here?"

Asterius: "What’s the matter?"

Henchman: "Uh, Hercules and the girl managed to... avoid the accident this morning."

Oena: "Oh, Uncle, you promised!"

Asterius: "Now, now! You know I’m a man who keeps his word. It seems Hercules has left us no choice. Time for a more hands-on approach."

Oena: "Oh, that’s what you always say! Now I’ll never win the Panathenia!"

Asterius: "Stop whining, you blubbering brat!"

Scene 4
Widow Twanky: "Your turn."

Hercules: "I... don’t twirl."

Widow Twanky: "Oh, of course you do, you silly boy. You do it every day."

Hercules: "I-I don’t think so."

Widow Twanky: "Oh. Really? There. You see? You do twirl. You see, fighting, in its very essence, is like a dance. And you, my hunky Herc, are a natural."

Hercules: "Thanks, I think."

Widow Twanky: "Now, tell me, have you ever fought with a partner?"

Hercules: "Yes."

Widow Twanky: "Mmm! And what, perchance, is his name?"

Hercules: "Iolaus."

Widow Twanky: "Iolaus! Well, Hercules, I know this’ll be difficult, but I want you to imagine, for a moment, that I am Iolaus. Now, I know it’s a stretch of the imagination, but I would appreciate the effort. Now, then- Oh, no! We’re surrounded! Completely defenseless! What are we going to do?"

Hercules: "Hah!"

Widow Twanky: "Waaah!"

Althea: "That was great!"

Hercules: "Yeah. You’re not bad."

Widow Twanky: "You’re not bad yourself. But now you two must learn to do that together. Hercules, Althea, do you promise to trust each other, to catch each other when you fall, and to move together... as long as you both shall dance?"

Althea and Hercules: "We do."

Widow Twanky: "Then, darlings, it’s time to learn... the Twanky Twiddle."

Scene 5
Widow Twanky: "And this being the most dangerous part, because to any action there is an equal and opposite reaction."

Scene 6
Widow Twanky: "And back, and through, and one, and two, that’s it. One and two! Get it up!"

Scene 7
Widow Twanky: "Righto, my darlings. This is the one. I know it. I can feel it. Off you go."

Althea: "Ow! Ohh! It’s just too hard!"

Hercules: "You can do this, Althea. I know you can."

Althea: "The contest is tonight. I just don’t think I’ve got it in me."

Widow Twanky: "That’s exactly what your mother said all those years ago."

Althea: "You knew my mother?"

Widow Twanky: "Oh, yes. She was a pupil of mine, and the most incredible dancer this town has ever seen."

Althea: "My mother was a dancer?"

Widow Twanky: "I’ve never seen anybody with such a passion, such a fire inside. I never thought I’d see anyone else sparkle like that again... till I saw you."

Althea: "Why did my father never tell me?"

Hercules: "Althea, wait!"

Scene 8
Althea: "Why didn’t you tell me?!"

Elis: "Tell you what?"

Althea: "That my mother was a dancer."

Elis: "Who told you that?"

Althea: "The Widow Twanky."

Elis: "You’ve been dancing behind my back."

Althea: "Stop treating me like a child... and start telling me the truth! Please!"

Elis: "She did love to dance. Winning the Panathenia meant everything to her. We would have too."

Althea: "We? You were her partner?"

Elis: "It was the happiest time of my life. She refused to follow the rules, so the magistrate disqualified us. We were banned from the contest forever. The truth is, your mother died of a broken heart. That’s why I forbid you... to enter the contest."

Althea: "You can’t stop me."

Hercules: "Elis-"

Elis: "How dare you."

Hercules: "I know you want what’s best for your daughter, but... this is her dream."

Elis: "I am trying to protect her!"

Hercules: "If you really want to protect her, then encourage her, support her. But if you don’t let her dance, you will break her heart."

Scene 9
Althea: "Twanky!"

Henchman: "Now, what is it they say, again, to wish someone luck? Oh, yes. Break a leg."

Scene 1
Henchman: "Break a leg. Get it?"

Hercules: "Hey!"

Widow Twanky: "Hercules!"

Hercules: "Let me guess. You’re, uh, looking for a dance partner. Hmm? Sorry, but you’re not my type."

Althea: "Oh, Hercules, I’m so glad to see you."

Hercules: "You all right?"

Widow Twanky: "No, I’m not! How they manhandled me! And it’s been so long."

Hercules: "Yeah. Well, uh, we should get to the competition."

Widow Twanky: "Wait! You’re not going to the Panathenia dressed like that?"

Hercules: "It, it’s all I ever wear."

Widow Twanky: "I know, and I’m sick of it. Come on."

Scene 2
Man: "Come, my dear."

Asterius: "Well, let’s get straight to it, shall we? From the Dionysian Institute of Danceology, couple number one!"

Oena: "You better not screw this up."

Elis: "Althea. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth. I was afraid. You’re so like your mother. But Hercules was right- You need to follow your dream wherever it takes you. That’s what she would have wanted you to do."

Althea: "Oh, Daddy!"

Elis: "Now go get ready... and finish what she started."

Scene 3
Asterius: "Weren’t they wonderful? Let’s give them another round of applause! And since there are no more contestants, the judges will now select a winner. You’re too late, Hercules! The contest is over!

Widow Twanky: "Oh. Mmm. Mmm!"

Asterius: "Get them off that dance floor now."

Henchman: "Come on."

Oena: "Oh, Uncle, do something!"

Woman: "Ohh!"

Asterius: "Stop this outrage! You have insulted the Muses by breaking the rules, and now they’ll turn their backs on us!"

Hercules: "Wrong. Do you understand?"

Asterius: "Yes."

Hercules: "Good."

Oena: "Stop it!"

Hercules: "The Muses inspire us to find what’s already in our hearts. But your magistrate wants you to forget that. Well, there is nothing wrong with reaching for the sky. Don’t let his rules keep you from trying."

Althea: "Thank you. Thank you!"

Widow Twanky: "Well, you heard him! What are you waiting for? Let’s dance!"

Woman: "Come on, big boy."

Asterius: "I am your magistrate! Stop this at once- Aah! Do hear me? Stop this! Stop it! Stop this at once!"

Widow Twanky: "Oh, shut up!"

Henchmen: "Hey-hey! Hey!"

Althea: "I don’t know how to thank you enough."

Hercules: "You don’t have to. We did this together."

Althea: "Well, how about the last dance?"

Hercules: "You know, I’d love to, but I think I’m gonna have to get in line."

Men: "Yeah."

Hercules: "Go on."

Althea: "Thank you."

Widow Twanky: "And where do you think you’re going?"

Hercules: "Actually, I’m gonna go see my friend, Iolaus."

Widow TwankyT: "Oh, no, no, no, you’re not!"

Hercules: "But he’s-"