A Comedy of Eros/Transcript

The complete transcript for the episode "A Comedy of Eros".

Scene 1
Cupid: "I know, I know, I know. When I was your age, I hated going to bed, too. But get to be my age, and going to bed takes on a whole new meaning, you know?"

Psyche: "Cupid? I'm waiting."

Cupid: "Okay, look, this could really work out for you, you know? Here's the deal, here’s the deal. You go to bed and give your mother and me a chance, and you might just end up with a little baby brother or a sister, huh? Wouldn’t that be cool?"

Bliss: "No."

Cupid: "No?"

Bliss: "No."

Cupid: "No? No? Do you want to go to sleep?"

Bliss: "No."

Cupid: "No. Shh. Shh. Okay, come on, go to sleep. Watch Dada. Yeah! That’s my boy."

Bliss: "I don’t want to go to sleep."

Psyche: "Cupid?"

Cupid: "Okay, Bliss. Here’s the deal. You go to sleep right now and I’ll get you a dog. No, no, no, no! A pony. No, no, no, no, no! A horse! A solid gold chariot with racing wheels, spiked hubs, and the power of five, six, pure bred stallions. Phew! Boy, the things we do for love."

Psyche: "Cupid, you coming?"

Scene 2
Priestess: "Hear us, Hestia. Like doves to the sky, we commit ourselves to peace and charity, in the purity of both our minds and our bodies."

Virgins: "Hear us, Hestia."

Gabrielle: "It’s amazing, isn’t it?"

Xena: "Not really. Draco's as smart as they come. He wouldn’t go after the Hestian virgins without scouting the place first."

Gabrielle: "No, it’s the virgins I’m talking about. Think of the faith it takes to be one of them."

Xena: "Yeah, not to mention the other requirement."

Gabrielle: "Just between you and me, being chaste can be real hard."

Xena: "Chaste?"

Gabrielle: "Mmm."

Xena: "No, I was talking about having to answer to that stupid bell your whole life."

Gabrielle: "That, too. Yeah."

Scene 3
Gabrielle: "Do you know what the hardest part about serving Hestia would be?"

Xena: "Mmm-hmm?"

Gabrielle: "Giving up the chance to fall in love again."

Xena: "Yeah, that'd be real hard."

Orick: "Go on, give 'em to her. She'll like 'em."

Teenage Boy: "These are for you."

Gabrielle: "Xena, we’ve both had our share of heartaches, but you can't give up on love."

Xena: "Who's giving up? All I'm saying is it rarely turns out the way you expect."

Gabrielle: "Yes. So there are no guarantees. All I'm saying is that when it's right, love can be the most potent force in the world."

Housewife: "Why, I..."

Xena: "Which is precisely why it should be avoided. And we should stay focused on why we're here. To protect those women, right?"

Gabrielle: "Right."

Man: "Leave me alone!"

Farmer: "Bessie, run for it."

Merchant: "Come back."

Teenage Boy: "But I love you, Orick!"

Gabrielle: "What I don't get is why Draco has the field to himself. Every Hestian virgin in the province is here. Seems like a flock any warlord would want."

Xena: "Takes a certain kind of reckless courage to defile a temple. It takes even more to go up against Draco. Offhand, I can't think think of anyone else crazy enough to try."

Joxer: "Xena! Xena!"

Xena: "Oh! On second thought."

Joxer: "Hey! I knew you'd be here. 'Cause as soon as I heard that rumor about Draco, I said to myself, 'Self, I'll bet Xena will be here.' And, well, here you are. Hi, Gabby, how you doing?"

Gabrielle: "Joxer, huh! Like this mission wasn't hard enough."

Joxer: "So, what's the plan? I heard Draco's one tough customer."

Draco: "You heard right."

Xena: "Hello, Draco."

Draco: "Xena. Long time."

Xena: "Too long."

Scene 1
Draco: "That was quite a welcome. What'd I do to deserve that?"

Xena: "It's what you're not gonna do that earned it. And a lot more."

Draco: "I'll tell you what I'm not gonna do. I'm not gonna let you foul up the biggest score of my life. That's what I'm not gonna do."

Xena: "You forced things between us once before, remember?"

Joxer: "What is she doing?"

Draco: "I remember."

Gabrielle: "It's all part of her plan."

Draco: "Everything."

Gabrielle: "I hope."

Draco: "No! Stand back, she's mine."

Xena: "Then come and get me. You've picked up some new moves."

Draco: "I've had lots of practice."

Xena: "That sounds exhausting."

Draco: "On the contrary, it was refreshing."

Xena: "I can think of better ways to get refreshed. Can't you?"

Draco: "I can't deny you excite me. But interfere, and I will kill you just as dead as anybody else. Do you understand me?"

Xena: "Better than you think."

Draco: "No! Back to camp! I'm warning you, Xena. Stay clear."

Gabrielle: "We have to talk."

Xena: "Oh, yeah."

Scene 2
Gabrielle: "What's wrong with you?"

Xena: "Nothing that a good workout won't cure."

Joxer: "Hey, try the lake. A cold swim usually helps. Or so I've been told."

Gabrielle: "You're hot for Draco?"

Xena: "Don't be ridiculous."

Gabrielle: "That's a relief."

Xena: "I'm merely responding to that dark part of me that has a weakness for bad boys."

Gabrielle: "Xena. Xena, this is crazy! We cannot stop Draco if you're so worked up over him."

Xena: "No sweat. I told you he was bad once. So was I, once."

Gabrielle: "So you think that he can change?"

Xena: "Well, why not? I did. So can he. With my help."

Scene 3
Craigan: "Draco, thank the gods! When you didn't return right away, we thought... Well, they say Xena's crazy."

Draco: "Like a fox. Mark me, Craigan, that woman knows exactly what she's doing."

Craigan: "Word is, she played the same sort of mind games with Zagreus. Tricked him into losing his whole army."

Draco: "Zagreus was a fool, he didn't know her. I, on the other hand, know Xena like I know my own face. Get some water for a bath."

Craigan: "Shouldn't we be preparing for something from Xena?"

Draco: "I am."

Scene 4
Joxer: "Look, I don’t know what you're so worried about. It's a good plan!"

Gabrielle: "But it's not the plan I'm worried about. It's Xena. I've never seen her like this."

Joxer: "You heard her. She's got a thing for us dangerous types."

Gabrielle: "Well, if that's all, then why take the trouble to try to change him? Why not just get a grip, save the girls and go?"

Joxer: "You're right. That does sound more like her."

Gabrielle: "Did you see the way she fought him? She never pressed one advantage."

Joxer: "So, what do you think that means?"

Gabrielle: "Trouble."

Scene 5
Draco: "You made good time."

Xena: "I had good reason."

Draco: "If that includes trying to talk me out of rustling those virgins, deal's already set. Slaver's due today with enough gold to make me the richest man this side of Mount Olympus."

Xena: "Well, if that's all you're willing to settle for."

Draco: "Are you saying I could do better?"

Xena: "Much."

Draco: "How?"

Xena: "By doing something you said you always dreamed of. Teaming with me."

Draco: "You and me, ride together?"

Xena: "Why not? You said it yourself years ago, we'd be invincible."

Draco: "The two of us, united."

Xena: "Mmm-hmm."

Draco: "Zeus! There wouldn't be a town or a village that could stand against us. But I thought you gave all that up."

Xena: "I did. What I'm offering is the chance for you to ride with me."

Draco: "And do what? Good? Where's the profit in that?”

Xena: "You told me you tried to change once."

Draco: "I did. And almost got killed for my trouble."

Xena: "Then try again. Oh! With me, profit's not always measured in gold."

Draco: "What you ask... I don't know, it's a lot. I have to think. Craigan, get in here."

Craigan: "How did it go?"

Draco: "Stimulating woman. But I think I've bought us some time. Now, dress a man in my armor and send him away from the camp. That should divert her for a while. The rest of us will head to the temple. We've got some merchandise to move."

Scene 6
Joxer: "Well, it seems quiet here. I mean, maybe she did it. Maybe she actually turned him."

Gabrielle: "This is Draco we're talking about. The man is a ruthless, flesh-peddling warlord, who'd just as soon kill you as not. Am I right?”

Draco: "As rain. Resist and he dies."

Gabrielle: "Joxer."

Scene 1
Draco: "Hang him."

Gabrielle: "No!"

Draco: "Wait. Round up those virgins."

Scene 2
Draco Man #1: "Get her!"

Draco: "And I thought I was being sacrilegious. You can't hide those virgins forever."

Xena: "I'm not hiding them at all. Without these robes, they look just like the other village women. So..."

Draco: "You dressed them like locals and hid them in plain sight. Oh, you are as good as ever, aren't you, Xena?"

Xena: "Better."

Scene 3
Gabrielle: "Joxer, you're tightening the ropes. Let me do it. What? Xena!"

Draco: "Well, at least I didn't kill 'em."

Xena: "And spoil a good shot at ransom?"

Gabrielle: "...Joxer! Thank you. Xena?"

Xena: "Gabrielle?"

Gabrielle: "Xena?"

Joxer: "Tastes like sweat! Does yours?"

Xena: "You two keep an eye on things till Draco and I get back."

Joxer: "You know what, you're right. Something weird is going on around here."

Gabrielle: "Yeah."

Joxer: "Definitely weird."

Scene 4
Draco: "By the gods, you have gotten better."

Xena: "So have you. I'd say we're pretty well-matched."

Draco: "I've been trying to tell you that for years. What took you so long?"

Xena: "If I had known it'd be like this, I wouldn't have."

Draco: "Uh."

Xena: "You wanna go again?"

Draco: "You're on."

Scene 5
Gabrielle: "Come on, Joxer. Please? Just one more time."

Joxer: "You really love it, don't you?"

Gabrielle: "I love it. And the more I practice, the better I'll get."

Joxer: "Well, I'm up for it. Except this time, let's do it together, okay?"

Gabrielle: "Huh!"

Joxer: "Okay."

Gabrielle and Joxer:
 * "Joxer the Mighty,
 * He roams through the countryside.
 * He never needs a place to hide.
 * With Gabby as his sidekick,
 * Fighting with her little stick.
 * Righting wrongs and singing songs.
 * Being mighty all day long.
 * He's Joxer,
 * He's Joxer the Mighty."

Joxer: "Yeah."

Scene 6
Draco: "Ah! You're good. Oh, you're very good."

Xena: "I have many skills."

Draco: "There's one we've yet to try."

Xena: "Draco, I'll be right back!"

Scene 7
Gabrielle: "And remember the time that you changed personalities every time the bell rang?"

Joxer: "Oh, yeah, yeah."

Gabrielle: "That was a great story."

Joxer: "Yeah, it was."

Gabrielle: "You know, I think I'll have to know all the intimate details."

Joxer: "You will?"

Gabrielle: "Uh-huh. It’s the first rule in the bards schools. You gotta write what you know."

Joxer: "Oh, well, you know, that's very... That's very wise advice because... Hey, listen, shouldn't we be keeping an eye out for for Xena, wherever she is?"

Gabrielle: "I've got my eye on something, all right. You okay?"

Joxer: "Gabrielle, could you get me some water? Could you get me water? Water."

Gabrielle: "Yes, I'll be right back."

Scene 8
Gabrielle: "What are you doing?"

Xena: "Hard to believe, but Joxer's advice about a cold swim, I'm taking it."

Gabrielle: "That's not hard to believe. No, no. Joxer's full of good ideas."

Xena: "No, I said Joxer."

Gabrielle: "I know. He's teaching me that wonderful song of his.
 * 'Joxer the Mighty,
 * Roams through the countryside.
 * He never needs a place to hide.
 * With Gabby as his sidekick,
 * Fighting with her little stick.
 * Righting wrongs and singing songs.
 * Being mighty all day long...'"

Xena: "Gabrielle, what’s going on? You barely tolerate Joxer."

Gabrielle: "Yeah. That was before."

Xena: "Before what?"

Gabrielle: "Before I realized I love him."

Xena: "What?"

Gabrielle: "I know. It shocked me, too, seeing how blind I've been. But maybe that's what love is. It's blind. I should write that down."

Xena: "Now, Gabrielle, this is crazy. You can't be in love with Joxer. He's Joxer."

Gabrielle: "Are you talking about my man? Like Draco is such a prize? Xena, I would rather be in love with Joxer, than a bloodthirsty warlord, like Draco."

Xena: "Draco is not like that. He's changed. He... He sees now, that giving up that life is not the end of something, it's the beginning of something better. The temple."

Scene 9
Draco's Man #2: "Get your clothes off."

Gabrielle: "Tell me again how he's changed!"

Xena: "I thought you weren't going to do this!"

Draco: "You thought wrong."

Xena: "Don't."

Gabrielle: "No! Leave her alone! She loves you!"

Xena: "It's true, I do. Draco, if you'll just give me a chance, I'll prove it to you."

Draco: "No. You're too late, Xena. You can't keep me from what I want. And I want her."

Scene 1
Xena: "Wait a minute, something's going on here. You can't want Gabrielle. Between you and me, she's a little..."

Draco: "I know what I want and she's it. Craigan, herd those girls back to camp."

Craigan: "Right away."

Draco: "Pinullus will be here this afternoon. Let's go."

Gabrielle: "I'm not going anywhere with you!"

Xena: "And neither are those girls."

Gabrielle: "Back off! I'm warning you! Touch me and you will be grist for the gorgons."

Draco: "Oh, you are quite a little spitfire, aren't you? The cat has claws."

Joxer: "Hey. He hurt my hand."

Gabrielle: "Pookie."

Joxer: "I know."

Xena: "Quick, everyone to the temple!"

Gabrielle: "Run inside!"

Xena: "Go, get those doors closed!"

Virgin: "Hurry! Hurry! Get inside!"

Gabrielle: "Get to the back of the temple."

Virgin #1: "I dropped my prayer scroll!"

Xena: "Get it later. Where's Joxer?"

Joxer: "Hey, let go! Put me down! Xena! Xena, help! Help me! Hey, I'm on the wrong end."

Draco: "If you want to see your friend, you know where to find him."

Xena: "Gabrielle?"

Gabrielle: "Xena!"

Xena: "This love stuff is a real pain!"

Scene 2
Gabrielle: "I'm warning you."

Draco: "Didn't I say? Hard as rock."

Gabrielle: "Like your head."

Draco: "What did you say?"

Gabrielle: "I was agreeing with you, like you said."

Draco: "Good. You keep agreeing, and we'll get along fine."

Gabrielle: "Look! Cherries! Mmm, I love cherries."

Draco: "Me, too."

Gabrielle: "Did I mention I'm a widow?"

Draco: "No. But I guess that's lucky. Saves me having to kill your husband."

Gabrielle: "Now, look. I didn't wanna tell you this, 'cause, well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings. But I can't love you because I'm in love with someone else."

Draco: "Who? Who are you in love with?"

Gabrielle: "Like I'm gonna tell you."

Draco: "Oh, I won't hurt him. Look, I swear it. Even my enemies know me as a man of my word."

Gabrielle: "Forget it. I tell you and Joxer's as good as..."

Draco: "Joxer! Joxer? That pipsqueak? I'll kill him!"

Gabrielle: "No! You gave your word that you wouldn't hurt him."

Draco: "Oh, I won't. I will cut his head off so fast, he won't feel a thing."

Gabrielle: "Joxer."

Scene 3
Xena: "You all right?"

Joxer: "Xena. Fine. It's Gabrielle I'm worried about. Draco's got her. And I swear, if he even touches her, I'm gonna hunt him down and kill him."

Xena: "Great. So you've got it, too?"

Joxer: "What?"

Xena: "This love thing that's going around. Haven't you noticed? First, I fall for Draco, and then Gabrielle falls for you, and then Draco falls for Gabrielle."

Joxer: "Who could be in very big trouble right now."

Xena: "Slow down. Gabrielle is going to be fine just as long as Draco's in love with her. It's you who's gonna get killed when he finds out that she's in love with you. So, what is the big picture here? What's going on?"

Joxer: "I don't know. Love? Chaos? Aphrodite?"

Xena: "Yeah, that's what I thought at first. But there's no vanity in it. It seems so haphazard. It's like some child's game."

Warrior: "Hail, Draco!"

Draco: "So, you're the little piss-ant my woman loves."

Joxer: "That's me."

Draco: "Gabrielle won’t even know you’re gone."

Joxer: "Oh."

Xena: "I'm sorry, sweetie. That hurt me a lot more than it hurt you. Sweetie? Did I say, 'Sweetie'? I’ve never used that word in my life before. But he's so cute. Joxer, you know what to do. Hurry, there's no time to lose"

Joxer: "I won't fail you."

Xena: "Oh."

Scene 4
Gabrielle: "Xena."

Xena: "Shh."

Gabrielle: "Sorry. I thought it was Draco coming back."

Xena: "No, not yet. But he won't be out long. So, let's go."

Gabrielle: "What about Joxer? We have to find him. Draco will kill him."

Xena: "He already left. Now, come on."

Gabrielle: "He left without me?"

Xena: "He had to. I sent him on a mission. Now can we get out of here?"

Gabrielle: "A mission? Of course. What a guy."

Xena: "A prince."

Scene 5
Draco: "Xena! A truce. We need to talk."

Xena: "So talk."

Draco: "I had the score of a decade. Then you show up and not only wreck it, but you make me look bad in front of my woman."

Xena: "Well, ain't love a bitch!"

Draco: "Wait. Give me the girls and Gabrielle, or I will torch the place and everyone inside it."

Xena: "You would kill the woman you love?"

Draco: "The question is, would you? No. That code of honor you cleave to wouldn't let you watch 'em burn. So, we can do this the hard way, or not. Your call."

Xena: "Gabrielle's not the woman for you, Draco. I am. And I'll prove it to you. Those virgins, you want 'em? Take them. They're yours."

Scene 1
Xena: "What are you waiting for? Take them. Unless you're worried that your men may devalue them."

Draco: "Corral those virgins."

Soldiers: "All right, come on."

Draco: "And make sure they stay that way, or it's your hides. Why are you doing this?"

Xena: "For love."

Draco: "But you know that I'm in love with Gabrielle."

Xena: "I'm counting on it."

Pinullus: "Draco?"

Draco: "Pinullus."

Pinullus: "My men are on their way. But I came ahead just as soon as I got your note. Is this the Amazon?"

Xena: "No, I'm Xena. And you're Pinullus."

Draco: "What note? I never sent you a note."

Pinullus: "Well, I got it right here. 'Adding one Amazon Princess to the deal.' Signed, Draco."

Draco: "Let me look at that."

Xena: "Here they are."

Pinullus: "And where's the Amazon?"

Draco: "There is no Amazon. This note is a fake!"

Pinullus: "What?"

Xena: "Draco, come on. Just because you want to keep her for yourself, doesn't mean you can welch on a deal."

Pinullus: "She's right."

Draco: "She’s the one that faked the note! Oh, you are good. But trust me, Pinullus, there is no Amazon princess."

Xena: "Then what's she?"

Draco: "Gabrielle!"

Pinullus: "She's magnificent. I'll take her."

Draco: "Touch her and die. That woman is mine."

Pinullus: "So, Xena was right. You are trying to double cross me!"

Xena: "Get those girls out of here. Quick."

Gabrielle: "Let's go!"

Craigan: "After them!"

Scene 2
Gabrielle: "This way!"

Draco Man #1: "Where are they? They couldn’t just vanish."

Scene 3
Xena: "Didn't your mother ever teach you not to hit a man while he's down?"

Scene 4
Soldier: "What are they? They're vultures. Don't touch 'em. Draco'll kill us."

Virgin #1: "Where are they? Where'd they go?"

Virgin #2: "Oh, boys! Olly olly oxen free!"

Priestess: "Come back, we won't bite hard."

Gabrielle: "Girls, come back! You're going the wrong way! Wait!"

Virgin: "Don't play hard to get!"

Scene 5
Virgin: "Come back here!"

Gabrielle: "Are you crazy?"

Draco: "Gabrielle!"

Xena: "Draco?"

Scene 6
Gabrielle: "Where are you?"

Draco: "Gabrielle, stop! Gabrielle, don't defy me!"

Scene 7
Joxer: "Xena, look, I did it! He's here! Come on, let's go!"

Scene 8
Xena: "Draco? I know you're in here someplace!"

Joxer: "Xena, I've got him, he's here! Where are you? Come on, let's go!"

Gabrielle: "Joxer? Joxer?"

Draco: "Gabrielle? Gabrielle, come back here! Whoa! Xena! I should've known."

Xena: "So should I. When Gabrielle fell for Joxer, me for you, you for her, I should've known something was wrong then."

Draco: "What do you mean?"

Xena: "These feelings that we're having, the gods know they seem real, but they're not. If I'm right, they're from Cupid's arrows."

Draco: "You'd say anything to win me, wouldn't you?"

Xena: "But this happens to be true. Think about it."

Draco: "I don't need to think about it. I know how I feel. And I won't stop until I make Gabrielle feel the same way for me. So, give it up, Xena. Stop trying to change me!"

Xena: "You're right. You can't change the one you love. So wise up. Gabrielle could never love someone who lives off hurting others. You can't change her, so if you want to win her love, you better change yourself."

Scene 7
Gabrielle: "Joxer!"

Joxer: "Gabrielle."

Gabrielle: "Oh, thank the gods!"

Cupid: "Oh, no, you don't. You caused me quite enough trouble for one day, young man. Your mother and I have searched Olympus all over looking for you. So you consider yourself grounded. Okay?"

Xena: "It's about time you clipped his wings."

Cupid: "Yeah, well, I was a little tied up."

Xena: "Hmm."

Cupid: "Thanks for finding my boy. I owe you one."

Xena: "Yeah, 'cause if word about this ever got out, you'd look kind of foolish, huh?"

Cupid: "What'll it cost me to see that it doesn't?"

Xena: "Don't worry about it. Just put everyone back to normal and we'll call it even. Starting with me and ending with those virgins."

Cupid: "Deal."

Xena: "That's it?"

Cupid: "Yeah. Easy come, easy go."

Gabrielle: "What's going on?"

Joxer: "A love so deep, few have ever known it."

Gabrielle: "What?"

Joxer: "A love so deep, few have ever known it."

Xena: "Cupid. Forget it. He's for real."

Cupid: "Oh! Happens."

Draco: "There you are. I've tried to make you love me every way I can, but nothing's worked. So, now I'll try it your way."

Gabrielle: "My way?"

Draco: "Instead of hurting people, I'll try and... I'll try and help them. From now on, whenever I loot a town or raid a village, I'll only kill the old people. Or maybe just the men over 50. Livestock? Okay, all right, all right. I'll only kill other looters and raiders. Look, the point is, everything I do will be for you. So, don't forget me, Gabrielle. The gods know I won't forget you."

Xena: "Leave him. Love suits him."

Pinullus: "You wuss."

Draco: "I think I'm gonna like this helpful stuff."

Xena: "Well, you can't win 'em all."

Scene 8
Gabrielle: "I never knew love could be so exhausting."

Xena: "Yeah, but worth the work."

Gabrielle: "Xena, do I hear a touch of romance in your voice?"

Xena: "Not if I hear a touch of the I-told-you-so in yours. Besides, these weren't exactly normal circumstances."

Gabrielle: "Yeah, I'll say. Can you imagine the two of us in love?"

Joxer: "Ridiculous"

Gabrielle: "Yeah. Kind of makes you laugh just to think about it."

Joxer: "Ha-ha."